What Did Doc Holliday Mean When He Said This Is Funny
Every Doc Holliday Quip in 'Tombstone', Ranked
Photo: Everett Collection; Photo Illustration: Katie Hall
Tombstone is one of those movies that remains so compulsively watchable nearly 30 years after its release that, no matter where in its runtime you might stumble upon it, you simply must keep watching until the end. The fan-favorite Western is so addictive and comforting for a number of reasons. For one thing, it's got Kurt Russell (and Kurt Russell's fabulous mustache) spouting lines like "Skin that smoke wagon and see what happens!" For another, it has a magnificent ensemble cast featuring everyone from Powers Boothe to Dana Delaney to Billy Zane to Charlton Freaking Heston. Then of course there are the classic Western vistas, the stylish gunfights, the romantic subplot, and the sense of myth-making that looms over the whole thing.
But honestly, a lot of us are really watching because of Val Kilmer's performance as Doc Holliday, Wyatt's hard-drinking, hard-gambling gunfighter best friend. Doc is a fascinating character, part comic relief and part Greek chorus for the film, who's as ready with a quick pistol shot as he is with a quick verbal harpoon. So, in celebration of our ability to stream Tombstone whenever we want, let's rank all of the quips (not all of the lines, mind you, because we'd be here all day) dished out by the film's best character, rated according to Doc's own preferred complimentary term for something good: A Daisy.
20
"Well…good evenin', then."
The Context: After settling his issues with Ed Bailey (Frank Stallone) at the poker table, Doc and his lover Kate (Joanna Pacula) hold up the saloon before hopping on their horses and heading for Tombstone.
Rating: One lovely Daisy. It's right there on the border between a quip and something Doc…just says. He says it with enough flair to get a laugh, though.
19
"And what a maiden. Pure as the driven snow, I'm sure."
The Context: Doc, just beginning a night of drinking after going to the theater, pokes fun at Wyatt's absent wife, Mattie (Dana Wheeler-Nicholson) as Wyatt tries to take a rosy view of their relationship.
Rating: A single Daisy. It's a low blow to a character the movie doesn't treat very well anyway, and Wyatt's defense that it's just Doc's "style" doesn't make it that much funnier.
18
"Yes it's true you are a good woman. Then again, you may be the Antichrist."
The Context: After Doc collapses following a marathon poker game, a doctor tells him he needs to give up drinking, smoking, and even sex if he's to recover. He tries to discuss this with Kate, but she simply begins to fondle him and holds a cigarette to his lips, feeding his destructive tendencies.
Rating: 1.5 Daisies. It's a clever line in the midst of a dark time for Doc, but the darkness is such that even he can't brighten it too much. Plus, he seems to be blaming Kate a bit for his own voices, which has some truth but isn't necessarily fair.
17
"I calculate that's the end of this town."
The Context: After stabbing Ed Bailey in the saloon, Doc and Kate begin to pack up all their winnings (including what they're stealing), and Doc states the obvious with a bit of a flourish.
Rating: 1.75 Daisies. It's the first of many moments in which Doc somehow makes stating the obvious a welcome thing in a scene.
16
"That's what I love about Wyatt. He can talk himself into anything."
The Context: Doc reunites with the Earp Brothers in Tombstone and learns that Wyatt has taken over a faro game as his first source of income in town. After Doc chides him for the decision, Wyatt says "Depends on how you look at it," and Doc can't help but laugh at his friend's optimism.
Rating: Two Daisies. It sets up the contrasts between Wyatt and Doc's respective views of the world, and how each man will change over the course of the film. Plus, it's enough of a joke to let us hear Sam Elliott's melodic chuckle.
15
"Very cosmopolitan…"
The Context: Just as Sheriff Beehan (Jon Tenney) is arguing that Tombstone is on its way to being "just as sophisticated" as San Francisco, a gunfight spills out of one of the saloons and onto the street.
Rating: 2.5 Daisies. It's another scene in which Doc manages to be charming by stating the obvious, but his timing is just so perfect.
14
"You may indeed, if you get lucky."
The Context: Wyatt and Doc attend the theater together, where Wyatt is taken with the actress Josephine Marcus (Dana Delany) after spotting her earlier in the day. Wyatt wants to remain loyal to Mattie, but can't help muttering "I'll be damned" to himself after Josephine is revealed as the sexy devil in a scene from Faust. Doc replies with casual, perfect timing.
Rating: 2.75 Daisies. Doc knows Wyatt better than Wyatt knows himself, and while he seems to simply be rooting for chaos in this moment, it's another instance of precise, lightning quick wit. He quips like he shoots.
13
"This is funny."
The Context: On his deathbed, Doc looks down and realizes his shoes are off. In this reference to the real Doc Holliday's apparent last words, he's referencing his own belief that, as a gunfighter, he'd very likely die with his boots on.
Rating: Three Daisies. It's a perfect sendoff for the character, the capper to a terrific performance from Kilmer, and one last quip before Doc heads to the great poker table in the sky.
12
"Very instructive."
The Context: While watching Faust, the story of a man who sells his soul to the devil, Doc comments on the usefulness of the entertainment.
Rating: Three Daisies. Doc's earlier aside in the same scene, asking Kate if her soul was for sale, felt a bit forced. This, delivered almost at a mumble, feels more in line with a classic Doc joke.
11
"It appears my hypocrisy knows no bounds."
The Context: Doc, after years of drinking, gambling, and even murder, has a priest attend to him and deliver last rites by his hospital bed…just in case.
Rating: 3.5 Daisies. Doc maintains his sense of humor even when he's at death's door, and his admission here lets a little more vulnerability in alongside all the swagger.
10
"Kate! You're not wearin' a bustle. How lewd."
The Context: At the poker game in his introductory scene, Kate sits on Doc's lap, and he comments on her undergarments in a way that will make all of his competitors deliberately uneasy.
Rating: 3.75 Daisies. Doc and Kate knew they were about to make off with everything the saloon had, and Doc likely knew it would be Ed Bailey who'd finally snap and give him the opening to be violent. This was just the opening gambit, using his own easy approach to sexuality to flummox a few frustrated gamblers.
9
"Ed, what an ugly thing to say. I abhor ugliness. Does this mean we're not friends anymore? You know Ed, if I thought you weren't my friend, I just don't think I could bear it."
The Context: Convinced that Doc cheated, Ed Bailey does indeed snap and goes for a low blow by calling Doc a "lunger." Doc, unfazed, turns on the sarcasm.
Rating: Four Daisies. It takes a little while for this quip to land, but when it does it's a savage rebuke of a man Doc clearly never had any interest in anyway. It's our first hint of just how serious and deadly Doc can get, even when he's screwing with everyone around him.
8
"Oh…Johnny, I apologize. I forgot you were there. You may go now."
The Context: After Wyatt boots the thug Johnny Tyler (Billy Bob Thornton) from his faro game, Johnny tries to claim revenge, only to be interrupted by Doc. As Doc and Wyatt banter, Johnny just looks on stupidly until Doc dismisses him.
Rating: 4.25 Daisies. Doc obviously didn't forget Johnny was there, and he certainly could have come up with a more polite way to say goodbye to him, but he didn't need to or want to. This is a flawless victory over a character we never liked anyway.
7
"Why Johnny Ringo, you look like somebody just walked over your grave."
The Context: Johnny Ringo (Michael Biehn) sets a meeting to settle scores with Wyatt, only to have Doc show up in his place. Doc realizes he's chilled his opponent to the bone.
Rating: 4.25 Daisies. Doc's been trying to get under Johnny's skin for the whole film, and sometimes it's been more apparent that others that he's winning. Here, in the beginning of their final confrontation, he is certain that he's won, and can't help but boast a little about it.
6
"Nonsense. I have not yet begun to defile myself."
The Context: In the middle of a marathon poker game, Wyatt tries to get Doc to go to bed, and Doc – drunk and bombastic – simply refuses.
Rating: 4.25 Daisies. Even when absolutely plastered, Doc brings the wit.
5
"I have two guns, one for each of ya."
The Context: During a late night of drinking and opium smoking, Curly Bill (Powers Boothe) accidentally shoots Marshal Fred White (Harry Carey Jr.) in the street, drawing both the Earps and the Cowboys out to see what happens. When Billy Clanton (Thomas Haden Church) tries to step up to Doc and says he's so drunk he's probably seeing double, Doc points out he could still two targets at once.
Rating: 4.5 Daisies. More of that classic drunk Doc wit, and the little flourish he does with the guns – while never dropping his shot glass – is the icing on the cake.
4
"Down by the creek, walkin' on water."
The Context: After Wyatt defeats Curly Bill by walking out into crossfire and defying the odds, the gang regroups in the woods, and Doc tells the others where they can find their hero.
Rating: 4.5 Daisies. Doc is nearing the end of his life, his health, and his usefulness as an ally to Wyatt, and he's just taking in joy wherever he can. At this moment, it just happens to be in watching others marvel at his friend's seemingly superhuman durability.
3
*Doc spins his cup*
The Context: After a confrontation with Ringo in the saloon in which the Cowboys' resident killer pulls his revolver and starts spinning it to whoops of delight from the crowd, Doc counters by spinning and twirling his portable shot glass without a word, until the other many slinks off, confused and a little embarrassed.
Rating: 4.75 Daisies. Without saying a word and while absolutely hammered, Doc is able to put Ringo in his place with a little childish mimicry. He's a versatile comedian and he knows Latin.
2
"Maybe Poker's just not your game, Ike. I know, let's have a spelling contest!"
The Context: After repeatedly beating Ike Clanton (Stephen Lang) in a poker game, Doc decides to twist the knife even more.
Rating: 5 Daisies. It's one of Doc's most drunken jokes, but there's no doubting that it lands and lands hard. Ike nearly tries to kill him right then and there, and the intoxicated joy with which Doc delivers the line only makes it more fun.
1
"I'm your huckleberry."
The Context: Twice in the film Ringo taunts and challenges Wyatt, and both times Doc comes back with this now-iconic line.
Rating: 5 Daisies. It wouldn't even necessarily count as a quip if not for the timing with which Doc delivers it. Each time he's mocking Ringo's hyper-macho posturing with his own casual entry into the confrontation, and each time Ringo falls for it hook, line, and sinker. It's not just a great quip aimed at the film's best villain. It's also a perfect little encapsulation of who Doc is: Relaxed but aggressive, funny but direct, coiled but quick to strike.
Matthew Jackson is a pop culture writer and nerd-for-hire whose work has appeared at Syfy Wire, Mental Floss, Looper, Playboy, and Uproxx, among others. He lives in Austin, Texas, and he's always counting the days until Christmas. Find him on Twitter: @awalrusdarkly.
Where to stream Tombstone
Source: https://decider.com/2019/05/21/every-doc-holliday-quip-in-tombstone-ranked/
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